Scott Andrew - lo-fi acoustic pop superhero!

Would you buy a car from a salesman who ignored you because he and his buddies were too busy driving the cars around the lot?

Trick question. It could never happen. Anyone who’s ever set foot on a dealership lot knows that it’s literally a matter of seconds until a salesman zeroes in on you like a hungry lion on wildebeest calf.

Yet it’s this type of service I’ve come to expect from certain types of businesses. You know, the places where the employees are too busy having fun to actually sell anything. Their job, obviously, is to play with all the cool merchandise, get huge employee discounts, and basically just kick it old school.

I’ve recently become interested in a violin, because I wanna learn how to fiddle to beat the devil and Ashley MacIssac. Now, I haven’t bought an instrument from a store in over a decade, precisely because of the reasons I’ve described above. It goes like this: Scott enters store. Scott stands close by the item he’s interested in. Scott waits for a very long time, hoping that one of the knucklehead employees will put down the $1300 Stratocaster (on which said employee has been awkwardly plunking out the opening notes to “Aqualung” for twenty minutes) and saunter over. Scott becomes irate after several minutes of this and stalks out of the store, usually to find the same item online (where salespeople are not involved) for far less money.

So I walk into this musical instrument shop on California Avenue to ask about violins. I’m interested in renting one, but I’m ready to buy if I’m offered something I like. I’m prepared to spend a Good Bit of money on a good instrument. (Let’s go over this last bit again: I’m willing to purchase today. I’m prepared to spend money today.) There’s a bunch of your standard music store employee types there: an earringed skater-looking kid, a thirtysomething shaved headed dude with a goatee, a hip-looking woman with curly brown hair strumming a guitar, and a few others. They all seemed to be having a rollicking good time, working at a music store and all. Who wouldn’t be?

(Sometimes you can’t even be sure that every person behind the counter actually works there, because the often carefree workplace culture often leads to employees inviting over an indeterminate number of friends to hang out. See also: extreme skateboard shop, funky art supply store near major art school, et al. )

I talk to the earringed kid a little while. He brings me a rental price sheet. He tells me that for a full-sized starter violin it’s probably a better idea to buy. I agree. He wants to check out what’s available in the back stockroom, can I wait? Sure I can. As he’s walking to the stockroom, I follow him, intending to check out whatever’s on the floor. As I pass the speaker cabinets, a loud sound suddenly erupts from behind me: BRAPPP!

The shaved-head dude is making farting noises into a microphone, and the sound is coming out of a small monitor right behind me, right at my butt. Then he makes some sort of face at me.

Now, lest you think I’m a poor sport, let me remind you that I, too, was once a teenager, and found the sound of fake flatulence to be an unending source of merriment. (Why, even the real thing can be hilarious, no?) No doubt I would have, under different circumstances, shared in the humor of the situation in a sort of male-bonding, Bud Light drinking huh-huh-huh kind of way.

But neither I nor Mr. Shaved Head were teenagers and had not been for a long time. And as I watched him chuckle and his pushing-forty buddies behind the counter cackle along with him, I wondered why in the world I should be willing to spend a Good Bit of money so that Mr. Shaved Head can continue to draw a paycheck for simulating customer flatulence with a $150 microphone and all of the other important duties he has to perform as Music Store Employee.

So, sorry Mr. Earringed Kid, I really hope you make up for the sale your buddy lost for you that day. I was prepared to give you a Good Bit of cash. But y’know something? That same night on Craigslist I found a decent starter violin with a hardshell case, bow, rosin and chin guard, and a handful of instruction books. For about a hundred bucks.