Scott Andrew - lo-fi acoustic pop superhero!

Unless you’re deathly allergic, being stung by a yellow jacket is not a big deal. It hurts like hell for about thirty seconds, following by an irritating itching that lasts about a day or so. You get over it. The yellow jacket gets over it too, and lives to sting another day because, being a small wasp variant instead of a bee, yellow jackets don’t die after stinging.

Still, there’s something completely unnerving about the way a yellow jacket aggressively buzzes my head. Falling backward out of my chair, arms failing, potato salad scattering everywhere. Because yellow jackets don’t just sting — they sting and sting and sting until you get the point. They sting joyfully.

And recently I’ve learned that yellow jackets are carnivorous. They eat meat. This is why you’ll often find several of them buzzing around the trash cans at your summer picnic, drawn by the smell of gnawed spare ribs and discarded chicken bones. In late spring, they hunt and devour caterpillars.

I find this particularly unsettling.

There is a nest of them somewhere nearby, hidden in the tall grass near our little fenced-in backyard. It’s probably underground, because the sod is soft and lends itself to burrowing.

Normally this wouldn’t bother me. I’m a live and let live kind of guy when it comes to critters. I’m more inclined to trap and release any spider discovered hiding in the bathroom. But I can’t abide sociopathic stinging insects traipsing merrily about my house.

I caught one buzzing around our kitchen floor yesterday. I squashed it with a newspaper before it could warn the others.

Later that same day, I trapped one between the glass and screen window. It became severely agitated. “Release me so I can sting you,” it droned coldly. Fat chance, I replied, and besides, insects can’t talk. It was dead the next day.

Two more yellow jackets greeted me this morning as I tried to close the lids on the trash cans.

“Sweet gifts of pain,” buzzed one.
“So much stinging,” droned the other.
“Gah!” I replied, backing away towards the safety of the garage.

So now I’m on surveillance detail. I will study their flight patterns, watch as they buzz erratically across the grass. I will discover their hidden lair. I will come for them at twilight with foggers and foaming chemicals. Or maybe I won’t.