The Pharaohs Of Silicon Valley

A fictional tour of Google as a dystopian circus of technological horrors. I read this article a few years ago and cursed myself for not bookmarking it. After an almost impossible Google search, I finally found it at Clickhole!

On the front lawn outside the enormous office complex there is a 50-foot marble statue of Steve Jobs losing a fight against a man-sized scorpion. The base of the statue is engraved with the words “Steve Jobs: Google User.”

The front doors of the complex open, and a man in a white jumpsuit walks out of the building and embraces me.

“Welcome to Google. It’s amazing to be with you,” he says. “My name is Upright Mammal. I am a human being who stands on two legs, which is good. I will be your tour guide through the incredible technology prison of Google. If you will follow me, there are limitless wonders to see and limited time in which to see them.”

I follow Upright Mammal toward the entryway of the colossal edifice. Immediately, I can tell I’m about to enter a place more beautiful than any of my children.

July 26, 2017